A few tips for you hunters out there. Memorize them!
12. Do not love us up after a hunting trip until you’ve showered! – Seriously, you stink, and no, it doesn’t smell all ‘manly’.
11. Do your own damned laundry! – if your hunting pants stand up on their own, I ain’t touching them.
10. Handing us a bloody hunk of deer meat is NOT the same as bringing us flowers no matter how much you think it is.
Hey, y’all, I’m Bobby Joe. BJ to those of you who know me. Cliff asked me to mozy on over here to Hunting Sense and share with you one of my hunting adventures. I know it’s ’cause he’s jealous since he ain’t never seen himself a bigfoot.
Dang, I’ve done and spoiled the story for you by going and mentioning that. Oh well, maybe y’all may still enjoy it anyway, so here goes.
Have you ever been rabbit kicked by a giant bunny with an attitude? Well, let me tell ya, it isn’t fun by any means. It’s kind of like getting a buzz cut with a lawnmower, which, by the way, isn’t recommended either.
The alarm went off at four this morning, and I rolled out of bed happy with what I had accomplished yesterday to salvage my planned ambush of the Easter Bunny. After a hot cup of coffee, I slid into my winter camouflage and gathered my arsenal of equipment that looked like it had been ordered from an Acme catalog. I have to admit, I did feel rather wiley as I silently made my way out the door.
Easter is once again upon us. Along with it come baskets filled with colorful eggs, jellybeans, and chocolate rabbits. But it isn’t the chocolate variety of rabbit I’m interested in. Nope, it’s that most wascally wabbit of them all, the Easter Bunny: aka Peter Cottontail.
He’d like for you to think he’s all cute, cuddly, and caring, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s one shady character, sneaking around hiding eggs from little kids and then hopping down the bunny trail before anyone spots him. That and the fact that he hangs out with a notorious group of fairies, elves, and other shadowy figures we hear about but never see.
Being Valentines Day, I thought I’d post a short, humorous story I wrote about a Rednecks’ Valentines gift for his wife. It isn’t polished, so it could be better, but maybe you’ll still get a chuckle out of it. If not, just don’t hang me with a new rope, ok?
Redneck Valentines Day Gift
I never figured on me ending up out here with the ol’ hound on Valentines Day. Shoot, if anything, I figured that me and ol’ Chopper would have been being treated like royalty about now. Guess that just shows no matter what, ya aren’t likely to satisfy a woman, even when ya listen to her.
See, the wife has been going on for a while now about wanting one of them there nice fur coats. She dropped hints every now and then, and I think she didn’t think I was listening to her, but I was. That there is about where this trouble began.
Being the good husband I am, I wanted to make sure the lil woman got what she wanted, so I came up with a plan to get her that there fur coat she wanted. Wasn’t no way I could afford buying one, but with a coon dog like ol’ Chopper that didn’t matter. With a dog like him, I could get enough coon skins to make her a hundred fur coats like she wanted, and not spend hardly a dime doing it.
Here are a few hunting jokes I’ve ran across I thought may make a few of you chuckle.
Definition of Vegetarian:
Old Indian word for bad hunter.
~~~
A guy goes hunting and gets lost in the woods. Remembering the universal distress signal of 3 shots, he fires 3 shots into the air and waits. After an hour he fires 3 more shots. Another hour goes by and still no one comes to help. Preparing for the next sequence he says to himself, “I hope somebody comes this time because these are my last three arrows.”
~~~
The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”
One hunter groaned, “Well, it worked. They’re all safe.”
~~~
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
When he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, “I thought I told you to be quiet!”
Jerry says, “Hey, I tried. I really tried!! When those snakes crawled over me, I didn’t make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn’t make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said - ‘Should we take them with us or eat them here?’, I couldn’t keep quiet any more!”
Jeff Foxworthy explaining why we hunt.
I first saw this on a hunting forum and have since seen it around the net in a few different places. It’s from a guy who found the perfect gift for his wife for their anniversary. The only problem was that he had to try it out to make sure it worked before he gave it to her.
Enjoy.
~~~
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,… right?
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned, staggering under the weight of a nice eight point buck. Everyone gathered around, admiring the deer and giving their congratualtions on such a nice kill. At last, they realized the hunter had returned alone.
“Where’s Henry?” the other asked.
“Henry had a stroke or something I’m guessing. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You mean you left Henry laying up there and carried the deer back instead?” they asked.
“Yup, it was a tough call,” the hunter nodded as he replied, “but I figured it was the best thing to do. I mean, who’d steal Henry?”
10. The fastest way to circle game is in a race car.
9. Shooting is easier through a door with no glass.
8. Racing harnesses make excellent safety harnesses for the tree stand.
7. Rain delays are a reason to drink more beer.
6. A caution flag in hunting or racing makes a Redneck cuss.
5. Hunting with a NASCAR driver gets you on TV without a tornado.
4. The South is home to monster bucks, Rednecks, & NASCAR.
3. The pit crew can carry the beer and drag the deer out.
2. Race cars make for quicker road kill.
1. Bass Pro Shop racing gear comes in camoflauge.
Rednecks, Hunting, NASCAR, race car, tree stand, safety harness, monster bucks, Bass Pro Shop
Everyone loves a good laugh and hunters aren’t any different.
Senseless Hunter’s Satire is Hunting Sense’s weekly dose of humor for the outdoorsman. Set down the hunting gear, grab a cold one, pull up a chair, and be prepared for some fun. Posted every Saturday, I hope it brings a belly laugh or two and makes coming home from an unsuccessful hunt a little easier to bear.
If you have a funny story, a good joke, or a humorous anecdote you’d like to share, contact me and I’ll do my best to get it featured. Or if you’d rather, leave it as a comment for everyone to enjoy right away.
!!Caution: May be addictive and hazardous to your health if read from your tree stand!!
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Hunting Sense Author(s)
» Cliff
